The Rut

Hemingway

This post is going to be about as messy as my life is right now. I don’t even know what I want to say here, because I hardly ever know what I’m thinking. My life seems to change every five minutes. Honestly, if there is something that requires a decision to be made, you better give me some time to decide, because I’m probably going to change my mind about 70 times.

Constant change sounds like it can make for a fun life. Like a celebrity or world traveler who wakes up somewhere new every morning. However, right now all this change get me more and more lost.

I’m lost on what step to take next to keep me on track for my law school dream. I have no idea what study book to purchase, let alone do I even know what law school I want to attend.

I’m lost on getting myself on a schedule for the summer vacation that isn’t a vacation. I’ve really got to give up sleeping in and staying up late. Summer classes and a campus job take most of my time, but I have yet to recognize them as a priority.

I’m lost on finding the right people to keep around. I’m learning what kind of people I need an want in my life, and so many just aren’t making the cut. I’m in a pretty lonely place, but maybe it will bring me somewhere with endless laughter and the best of any friends I could ask for.

I’m lost on why someone I loved changed their mind. Almost two months later and it still sucks. It hurts but pretending hurts worse.

I’m lost on why the one who has always loved me the most is the one I’ve given my worse to.  I’m so sorry I took it all out on you.

I’m lost again, for not the first time and probably not the last time, in where my relationship with God needs to be

And maybe most of all, I’m lost in who I am and who I want to be. I constantly feel like Serena Van der Woodsen who wants so desperately to reinvent herself, but realizes that sometimes that just isn’t an option.

Everyday has become so mundane. So why can’t I find the desire and motivation to change it? I’m half way done with my twentieth year and it has really been a giant rut. A year of hurt, confusion, change but also monotony. I’m tired of being lost. I’m ready to move forward. I know I can’t be the only one who fells this way, so if you dear reader are feeling lost too, perhaps we can find out way out together.

XOXO

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