A Reflection on 2015 Day One

verseIt’s day number one of a brand new year, and instead of being energetic and celebrating like so many are, today finds me frustrated. I’m frustrated with the struggle I’m in.

A little back story: I haven’t been myself since October. Low energy, low appetite, and over all I have not felt well. Fast forward to December, and we learn that my heart is out of time, I have a kidney stone, and no matter what I eat my stomach aches. It’s been a long journey to get me to this place, and it’s an even longer road to get the answers I need.

This is why the very first day of a brand new year finds me frustrated more than I have ever been. A new year usually means starting over and doing something new. However, today has been the same as any other day in the past 3 weeks.

I’ve had a headache throughout the day, I don’t have all the energy that I should, and as I type this my stomach is a little upset over the dinner I just ate.

After so many days of feeling the same way, I’m running low on strength, losing my patience for answers, and finding it harder everyday to keep going.

It’s a struggle to smile for my sweet mama who hasn’t left my side. Her positive attitude is infectious, but so many times, it takes all I have to be calm and collected liker her as we wait for a doctor, or as we do anything out of the house. My mother has been with me through this entire ordeal and I can’t thank her enough. However, I want to feel the same joy and happiness that she does when we are together. I love every minute I spend with her, but it would be much more enjoyable if I didn’t hurt all the time and if I wasn’t so afraid of what I don’t know.

It’s a struggle to stay positive and keep it together for my wonderful boyfriend Tyler. He tries so hard for me, and I feel like I can’t return any of it for him. It’s a struggle all in itself to be 200 miles apart, but the distance is all too much when one of us is sick. I’m so blessed to have someone who listens to me every time I say “it hurts”, even when there is nothing in his power to do except say “I’m sorry”. It’s not much, but it’ all we’ve got. So until we can be together again, I’ll take all the “I’m sorry” statements I can get.

It’s a struggle to talk to anyone. There is no easy answer to the question, “what’s wrong with you”, because I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know what it means to have an out of time heart, so  I don’t know any treatment options available. I don’t know what to say when someone asks, “how are you feeling”, because there is no easy way to explain what I’m feeling. Most of the time it would sound like this, “I have a headache that makes every part of me feel out of check, and my stomach hurts for no reason”.

Now, I know that what I’m feeling is nothing to gain sympathy for. There are so many people out there feeling so much more than I am. That’s not why I’m writing this. And I also don’t think that we should use our pains to compete with one another. I’m writing this to release my frustration, and to not only life my spirits but maybe be a tiny light of hope for someone else who is frustrated and struggling.

I want someone else to be able to see that they are not alone. That even if day number one wasn’t what you wanted, day number two hasn’t happened yet. It’s not a promise that everything will be better, but it’s a hope that something will push you in the direction of happiness. This is the same thing that I pray for every night before going to sleep.

It’s hard to want to get up everyday when I know that I will eventually be hurting. It’s hard to stay awake all day when I get so drowsy that all I want to do is sleep for hours. I’ve often told Tyler in the last few days that I don’t want to do this anymore. And I have asked myself even more times how am I still going. The only answer to that question that I have is that I have an out of this world strength, and the best support system I could ask for. With out my prayers and the prayers of my family and friends, I wouldn’t be able to do this. Without my mom as my shoulder to cry on and Tyler always making me see the positive in every situation, I wouldn’t be able to get up and smile for everyone everyday. It’s a struggle, but they remind me that I don’t have to walk it alone.

So, to all of you I hope you know that you are not alone. Whether today finds you celebrating or hurting, know that you are not alone. So many are celebrating with you, and so many are also hurting with you. It’s okay to be in the low points, because one day you will celebrating. It’s okay to celebrate, because we all want to be happy. But one day when your journey called life finds you in the valley, try to remember that we’ve been there.

Remember what it’s like to have those around you sharing your smile, and try to find strength and peace when all they know to do is say “‘I’m sorry”.

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